You never really know how bad you actually were and how negatively you impacted people's lives until you have turned from that road and begun to travel the way of truth, love, and forgiveness. It isn't until then that you can actually posses the clarity needed to look back and see, and you think, "My God? What was wrong with me for all that time?"
I'll never forget the moment when the impact of everything I had done, particularly to the one or one's closest to me, actually hit me. I didn't think it was possible for someone to loathe themselves as much as I did then. Especially me, of all people. It was no secret that I thought highly of myself for the majority of my life..
I now know that, no matter what I do or how hard I try, I can never make up for the things I have done. I can however, repent. Besides, it feels good to try and make it up, because it feels good to do something for someone.
Repentance is not easy. Especially if you are an arrogant bastard like me. For me, it was a game I played with through out the years. On again, off again. Good, bad. A lot of flip flopping in my faith and whom I really was at the time, which was someone no damn good..
In what is now currently my latest and final incarceration, as I paid my debt to society once again, something happened to me inside. I literally woke up one morning, and I thought to myself, "you know what Ray? This is some bullshit right here. Take a good look at yourself. You are 42 years old, and you are sitting in jail, with no job outside, and a woman you don't deserve waiting for you and four kids waiting for you, and you haven't accomplished anything in your life aside from cause them all grief. What the fuck is wrong with you?"
And then at that moment, I looked up, and I said "you know what Lord? I have been one stupid son of a bitch, and I ask that you please forgive me. I know you have have been talking to me and tugging at me all my life, and I have rejected you, and hated you, and denied you, and tried to ignore you, and I allowed myself and my life to become unmanageable for so long, that's its a miracle I'm not dead or single and in prison. Please forgive me, and help me to change and use this time in here to begin to mold into something my wife deserves and will love and respect and trust, for real this time., and set me on the path that you have always intended for me so that I may repent and serve you."
You know what? My life has never been the same since then. I felt God lay his hand on me that day and He spoke to me, and you know what He said to me? He said, "Welcome home."
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Dear God...
Oh Lord, our Father in Heaven, I come before you humbled and unworthy.
The status of this world weighs heavily on my heart as I know what lies a head in the days to come. I am not in fear, for I know you are with me and will keep me safe until you return to take me away with you, but I am in great fear for those whom do not believe, and it breaks my heart to know what suffering they will endure. Some I know and love, yet I can not seem to make them see the truth.
I know things will be bad right here in my own nation as I live it before the time of Your return. I have foolishly wasted my life while all along you have been trying to get my attention so that I may be prepared for it. I fear I have little time to act and ensure the safety of my family as these times rapidly approach before my very eyes. I do not know how I am going to pull this off, but with You, I know it will be done. Please help me and guide me as the time approaches and show me what to do and direct my steps each day, and please place all those whom that you can in my path so that I might preach the gospel to them in hopes it will fall on their eager ears and open their hearts and minds to You.
You are the only means to salvation and safety, and your grace is great. I thank you for the blessings in my life, and I thank you for the trials I have had to endure as of late as they served to better me and prepare me for your service. I was slow in waking, and I rejected You for so long. For that I beg forgiveness and ask that you empower me with the resources and the courage and the wisdom I need to prepare and protect my family and to show others the way, so that they too may be saved from Your wrath and bath in your Holy glory! My God, You are great, and I love you.
Bless this home and bless all those whom serve you in these times, and I pray that those whom seek you open their hearts and allow you to enter their lives and change them, as you have done for me.
Lord, you know what problems weigh my heart in my life, and you know of my desires and my needs, better than I know myself. Please continue the wonderful and great work you have begun within me, and help me to do what it is I need to do, for You, and for myself and those I love.
Help me to reach as many souls as I possibly can before it is too late. Please bless those in my life whom I love and care for, and please bless this world in hopes that as many people as possible turn to you while they still can. These things ask of the Father and the Holy Spirit, in the name Jesus Christ our Lord, AMEN!
The status of this world weighs heavily on my heart as I know what lies a head in the days to come. I am not in fear, for I know you are with me and will keep me safe until you return to take me away with you, but I am in great fear for those whom do not believe, and it breaks my heart to know what suffering they will endure. Some I know and love, yet I can not seem to make them see the truth.
I know things will be bad right here in my own nation as I live it before the time of Your return. I have foolishly wasted my life while all along you have been trying to get my attention so that I may be prepared for it. I fear I have little time to act and ensure the safety of my family as these times rapidly approach before my very eyes. I do not know how I am going to pull this off, but with You, I know it will be done. Please help me and guide me as the time approaches and show me what to do and direct my steps each day, and please place all those whom that you can in my path so that I might preach the gospel to them in hopes it will fall on their eager ears and open their hearts and minds to You.
You are the only means to salvation and safety, and your grace is great. I thank you for the blessings in my life, and I thank you for the trials I have had to endure as of late as they served to better me and prepare me for your service. I was slow in waking, and I rejected You for so long. For that I beg forgiveness and ask that you empower me with the resources and the courage and the wisdom I need to prepare and protect my family and to show others the way, so that they too may be saved from Your wrath and bath in your Holy glory! My God, You are great, and I love you.
Bless this home and bless all those whom serve you in these times, and I pray that those whom seek you open their hearts and allow you to enter their lives and change them, as you have done for me.
Lord, you know what problems weigh my heart in my life, and you know of my desires and my needs, better than I know myself. Please continue the wonderful and great work you have begun within me, and help me to do what it is I need to do, for You, and for myself and those I love.
Help me to reach as many souls as I possibly can before it is too late. Please bless those in my life whom I love and care for, and please bless this world in hopes that as many people as possible turn to you while they still can. These things ask of the Father and the Holy Spirit, in the name Jesus Christ our Lord, AMEN!
Friday, March 4, 2011
I Knew a Man
I used to know this terrible man. He was an evil man, and he lived for himself. He used manipulation, abuse, fear, and violence to control people and situations around him in his favor all the time. He had to have everything his way all the time, no matter what. He engaged in self gratifying pleasures that were self destructive, and destructive to his loved ones. He lied. He stole. He hurt people and loved ones.
Somewhere, a long time ago, he drifted from the path the Lord had planned out for his life. He held great animosity towards the Lord for a very long time, and disrespected Him, shunned Him, and defied Him. He even used the Lord as a tool of manipulation when it seemed necessary to him. He spent a life time abusing drugs and people. He was constantly in trouble and crisis. He cared about nothing but satisfying himself in every way, especially when it came to abusing his mind and body with foreign substances. His mind was clouded and corrupt. His morals were depreciated and forgotten. He was the kind of man that you didn't want to be around and associate with. He could not be trusted for anything aside from conflict. A broken and lost soul. I knew this man. He was an ugly monster. For years and years I fought with this man. I tried to reach him and turn him from his ways. Make him aware of his actions, and reveal the fact that he needed to take responsibility for those actions. I tried to show him how important it was to make amends and earn the respect and love of his peers, but this man, he didn't listen. He mocked me, and shunned me, and forced me out. His evil was over powering and strong. He radiated with hate and rage. He was the most volatile individual I had ever known.
What ever happened to that man? Surely he died a well deserved death, or finally became incarcerated for the remainder of his life, as is where the road he walked usually takes a person.
However, that man is not dead, and he is not incarcerated, not anymore. I found that man recently. He is different. He is changed. He is full of love and joy. He is wise and most importantly, he is humbled. The arrogance that used to permeate from his very soul is no longer there.
He has spent months and months coming to terms with things he has done, and the person he had become. Events in his life the last year has brought him to a dead end. He reached rock bottom and could lower himself no further. There was only one way for him to go. Up. Up and out of the pit that he had spent his entire life digging. But how? How did this man climb out of that pit, and where did he find the strength to over power that evil man who had been in his place. Where did he find the power to leave that lost soul down at the bottom of the pit, and find the will to climb out of it anew?
The answer is simple. He found God again. He returned home, weakened, beaten, afraid, and alone, and God lifted him up, and healed him, and forgave him of his many, many sins. I see this man everyday now. The positivity that flows from him is over whelming.
He is enduring trials, and he is sustaining his faith in his Saviour. His life has changed dramatically. I can say that he is no longer doomed, and that his future in the after life is secured. He spends his days praying, and learning, and he is patiently waiting on God to finish the work that has begun inside of him, and is eager for God to reveal his intended path. He is confident, he is strong, and he is still evolving into the kind of man that you would want to be around, and listen to.
Sounds to good to be true, doesn't it? But it is. People can change. Whether they were born bad, or, like this man, they lost their way somewhere in a time and period forgotten and transformed into something terrible, it doesn't matter. Whatever they may have done, whomever they have hurt, there is always hope. They just have to want to make a difference in their life and change, and they have to know where to turn.
Counseling and begging and love alone are not enough. It requires the great and mighty power of the Lord, and a willingness to accept Him in to your heart.
I know what you are thinking. That this is ridiculous. You have probably known people like this man, and none of them had ever changed. They may have appeared to change (as this man "appeared" to do at many different stages) but they always seem to revert, or they learn to hide their true colors very well. But this is a recipe for disaster, sure to end with their destruction. Unless, unless something intervenes and changes the course. This is what God can do. I know this for a fact to be true, because I have experienced it first hand, because you see, this man I knew then, and the man I know now, well, he is me. Yours truly.
That's right. I was the monster. The demon infected vessel of a human being. So trust me when I tell you there is hope, and their is a way out, and it is a solid way. It can not be broken or destroyed. The power of God is unmatched by nothing. He is the greatest god of all. Higher in the heavens than all, and deeper in the lands. There is no other like Him. His power is absolute. His wisdom is incomprehensible. He knows all. He sees all. He feels all. He is the maker, and the destroyer. His wraith is unlike any force ever encountered in the universe. His love is larger and stronger than anything you can possibly imagine. He is mighty. He is Holy.
Repentance is the only price you have to pay. Confess your sins. Accept the truth about Jesus Christ, and accept Him into your heart.
It doesn't matter who you are, what kind of person you are, or what you have done. The gift of salvation and internal peace is free and available to all. Absorb God's word. Practice the values learned from it. Secure the life of your soul in the after life.
Somewhere, a long time ago, he drifted from the path the Lord had planned out for his life. He held great animosity towards the Lord for a very long time, and disrespected Him, shunned Him, and defied Him. He even used the Lord as a tool of manipulation when it seemed necessary to him. He spent a life time abusing drugs and people. He was constantly in trouble and crisis. He cared about nothing but satisfying himself in every way, especially when it came to abusing his mind and body with foreign substances. His mind was clouded and corrupt. His morals were depreciated and forgotten. He was the kind of man that you didn't want to be around and associate with. He could not be trusted for anything aside from conflict. A broken and lost soul. I knew this man. He was an ugly monster. For years and years I fought with this man. I tried to reach him and turn him from his ways. Make him aware of his actions, and reveal the fact that he needed to take responsibility for those actions. I tried to show him how important it was to make amends and earn the respect and love of his peers, but this man, he didn't listen. He mocked me, and shunned me, and forced me out. His evil was over powering and strong. He radiated with hate and rage. He was the most volatile individual I had ever known.
What ever happened to that man? Surely he died a well deserved death, or finally became incarcerated for the remainder of his life, as is where the road he walked usually takes a person.
However, that man is not dead, and he is not incarcerated, not anymore. I found that man recently. He is different. He is changed. He is full of love and joy. He is wise and most importantly, he is humbled. The arrogance that used to permeate from his very soul is no longer there.
He has spent months and months coming to terms with things he has done, and the person he had become. Events in his life the last year has brought him to a dead end. He reached rock bottom and could lower himself no further. There was only one way for him to go. Up. Up and out of the pit that he had spent his entire life digging. But how? How did this man climb out of that pit, and where did he find the strength to over power that evil man who had been in his place. Where did he find the power to leave that lost soul down at the bottom of the pit, and find the will to climb out of it anew?
The answer is simple. He found God again. He returned home, weakened, beaten, afraid, and alone, and God lifted him up, and healed him, and forgave him of his many, many sins. I see this man everyday now. The positivity that flows from him is over whelming.
He is enduring trials, and he is sustaining his faith in his Saviour. His life has changed dramatically. I can say that he is no longer doomed, and that his future in the after life is secured. He spends his days praying, and learning, and he is patiently waiting on God to finish the work that has begun inside of him, and is eager for God to reveal his intended path. He is confident, he is strong, and he is still evolving into the kind of man that you would want to be around, and listen to.
Sounds to good to be true, doesn't it? But it is. People can change. Whether they were born bad, or, like this man, they lost their way somewhere in a time and period forgotten and transformed into something terrible, it doesn't matter. Whatever they may have done, whomever they have hurt, there is always hope. They just have to want to make a difference in their life and change, and they have to know where to turn.
Counseling and begging and love alone are not enough. It requires the great and mighty power of the Lord, and a willingness to accept Him in to your heart.
I know what you are thinking. That this is ridiculous. You have probably known people like this man, and none of them had ever changed. They may have appeared to change (as this man "appeared" to do at many different stages) but they always seem to revert, or they learn to hide their true colors very well. But this is a recipe for disaster, sure to end with their destruction. Unless, unless something intervenes and changes the course. This is what God can do. I know this for a fact to be true, because I have experienced it first hand, because you see, this man I knew then, and the man I know now, well, he is me. Yours truly.
That's right. I was the monster. The demon infected vessel of a human being. So trust me when I tell you there is hope, and their is a way out, and it is a solid way. It can not be broken or destroyed. The power of God is unmatched by nothing. He is the greatest god of all. Higher in the heavens than all, and deeper in the lands. There is no other like Him. His power is absolute. His wisdom is incomprehensible. He knows all. He sees all. He feels all. He is the maker, and the destroyer. His wraith is unlike any force ever encountered in the universe. His love is larger and stronger than anything you can possibly imagine. He is mighty. He is Holy.
Repentance is the only price you have to pay. Confess your sins. Accept the truth about Jesus Christ, and accept Him into your heart.
It doesn't matter who you are, what kind of person you are, or what you have done. The gift of salvation and internal peace is free and available to all. Absorb God's word. Practice the values learned from it. Secure the life of your soul in the after life.
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